Heaven's A lie
by bunsdarien
Summary: Tom's dreams of Chakotay are nothing but lies. Completed. MM
1. Chapter 1

Hi all. This is my First attempt at writing for Voyager. Depending on the feedback, this might also me my last attempt. I've been toying with this idea for quite a while, and finally decided to put in on paper, since I FINALLY finished up on my other series... ""HOORAY! Only took like 7 months... 'sigh'" Anyway hope you like it.

Category: Angst, Slash, Drama, Work in progress. More to come, just not written yet.

Pairing: Male/Male. Main characters. Ya see at the end. Don't want to give it away. It's a sad tale.

Title: Heaven's a lie

Summary: Angst. Heart broken. .. What would happen if you finally awoke and realized what you thought was heaven was nothing more than a lie?

Ok.. Done now babbling.. Enjoy

Disclaimer: Title is a song from Lacuna Coil. No harm or fraud meant against them. I do not own Voyager, nor ANY part of the other Star Trek series. Nor the actors. I figured I'd just take them out of retirement. Dust the cobwebs off, and give them one hell of a fu! Who could blame me. If ya reading this, ya feel the same way. Enough said!

* * *

**Heaven's A Lie**

Look at me.

Blonde/red hair.

Blue eyes that people can lose themselves in.

I'm tall.

Nice thin body.

Hot, tight ass.. (As I've been told on several occasions)

My life is all I've ever dreamed about. .

I find myself dating the man I have been in love with forever.

One that if anyone ever found out, it would break may hearts.

He's dark, and handsome.

Gorgeous, and ...well that's the same as handsome, I know.

It's just that he's... well he's my everything. I don't know if I could live without him.

He has brains and brawn. He fights for what he believes in.

Would never go against his honor code. And never willingly hurt anyone without a reason.

He's a animal when it comes to sex.

Anyone would feel envious if they knew what he does to me.

A god in the bed he is.. Well hung, and he knows how to use it.

Unfortunately...

I just woke up...

Reality stepped forward and left with with a size 11 boot on my face.

He doesn't love me.

Never once has he even kissed me.

I have to wait to relieve myself when he leaves.

All he does is come in, help me out of my pants and bend me over.

I can't believe I could hurt this badly.

He has willingly hurt someone.

And that someone is me.

I was desperate for his affection; Any from the man I could get.

When we started having sex, I just figured that maybe, just maybe he was starting to care about me/

I should of woken up when he refused to tell anyone about us. Demanded I keep silence. Not even tell my best friend.

I guess he doesn't want to ruin his reputation and all. God forbid I am that horrible. Loving me so wrong.

The sex was always a wham bam, thank you man. He never stayed after he climaxed. Even if I asked him to.

But, I guess the past and my insecurities let me be taken by him.

Now I sit here alone. Thinking about the laughter at my expense.

How could someone I love be so cruel.

And only to me.

He'd never hurt anyone else on board like this.

Never.

I just wanted to feel his love.

I just wished he could love me.

But, instead he hurt me.

His words to his friend tore my heart into two.

I was such a fool.

I thought I was in heaven.

But my heaven's a lie.

All I can seem to do now, is lay here and cry.

I just want to know one thing, Chakotay.  
One thing only.

Why can't you even try to like me.

Why can't you even try.

... ? Review to see more...or for me to stop. ?.


	2. Chapter 2

Reviewers: Thank you.

Mchettle: More angst. Definitely. Happy ending.. Soon, but not too soon. I'm an angst girl.

Darksusie: I humbling bow down at your feet. Thank you for the feedback. I love your self. I hope I don't disappoint you. Or anyone else.

A/N: I sometimes get into a rhyme thing. Ya see when you read. Not the whole thing, but when it happens, I can't stop it. I think it's right with the story. This is just a 'tiny' holder over. Enjoy

* * *

**Heaven's a lie:**

**Chapter 2**

I played your game again.

Let you in, and have your fun.

The burning in my ass is nothing to the pain my heart.

I drop my head down to the pillow, as you quicken up your thrusts.

If you really cared at all for me, you would see the tears that are falling from my eyes.

But, I know you don't care.

You never have.

And you probably never will.

Why did I let you in?

I spent all day crying over you.

How could you say such negative things about me.

Then hours later come to my door, and expect me to allow you to bang me through the floor.

I should of told you to go.

Should of told you to leave.

But, I'm a fool.

To let you do what you do to me.

I'm only a man.

I'm only human.

I cry a thousand rivers from my tears.

I bleed when you pick away at my fears.

You think you know me all so well.

When in reality you don't know one single truth.

I'm no whore.

And as soon as I get up the courage to tell you to leave.

this will be no more.

Sadly, today is not that day.

I cry out in pain as you pull away.

I bury my face deeper into my pillow, refusing to watch to walk out the door.

I wish you would just once stay... And hold me tight.

Beg for my forgiveness for the words you said.

But, yet again, I expect too much.

I turn as I hear the door swish shut.

I know it's true.

As I said. I am a fool.

And totally devoted to you.

R/R


	3. Cold hearted

Reviewers: thank you. Man, I'm trying here. I only stepped out of the Stargate SG-1, fandom once; to do an Angel story. So I hope this continues to please you. It's been such a long time since I watched this show.. Though, Tom was my favorite character. Chakotay second. I'm unsure about this. I'm kinda having problems writing done what I want... Hope this up to pare!

Enjoy

Chapter three

A/N: Heaven's a lie;; Mixed and rewrote the lyrics to the actual Lacuna Coil song. Of the same name.

**

* * *

Let me be **

**This Heaven's a lie **

**Set me free, **

**My Love **

**Set me free **

**Yeah**

I had dreams.

Dreams where you and I were living in heavenly bliss.

Your brown eyes sparkled every time you caught my own.

Your soft lips took every breathe from my very soul.

You strong arms held me tight.

Comforted me through all my nightly frights.

But, dreams are meaningless. .

They are nothing more then a reality not meant to be. A slap in the face.

Prick teases, as you will.

I wish I could stop these dreams.

I wish I could stop feeling this way.

I wish I could tell you to go. Stop making my heart feel this way.

I wish... I wish of many things..

But my biggest wish:

I wish I could make you love me. ... The way I love you.

Days go bye, and you don't ring my bell... as one might say.

I hear rumors that you are becoming romantically involved with someone.

The Delaney sisters are behind that one I can tell. I hear Seven's name mention.

Oh, please! There is no way you would ever involve yourself with her. She is too much an equal. You seem to prefer someone who basically would be waiting on you hand and foot. That is definitely not Seven's style.

But, it's mine now. That is what you have brought me to. I'm so whipped right now, I don't know if I can ever get the guts to tell you to leave me alone. Grow a pair, as I would say.

It's got to happen. This is not a healthy relationship for anyone. Especially me.

I saw you are Sandrine's tonight. I tried, I really did try to pay attention to the pool game I had with Harry, but I was distracted. You were talking to Seven, You were laughing. Smiling.

You never do that with me.

I just had to go. A forced smirk on my face, and a tall tale of how a certain Ensign was making her way to my room, got me out of there.

He didn't know any better. He believed my lie.

I wish I could tell him the truth.

Sitting on my couch, I watch old movies from the twentieth century. In one hand an old fashion remote control for the television. The other hand, a glass of contraband liquor I was able to get a hold of. I lose myself in the my thoughts and never hear the door open.

You never bother to ring.

So I don't ever bother to lock it.

You place yourself besides me, and grab the glass from my hand. Sniffing the contents, you then place it on the end table. .

A waiving finger is what I get. "That's a no, no Paris. You should know better then that."

I glance at you.. What a condescending asshole you are.

Forget you. I lean over to grab a hold of the glass, but you pushes me back.

I try to get up off the couch, but you keep me in place.

I see a sudden look upon your face. One that I really could not describe.

If I would take a guess, I would say it might be one of ... concern?

I shake that thought from my head. Since when you cared at all about me. I'm just a fuck. A whore.

I was right besides you when you told Dalby that.' I'm nothing more then a whore. Open up and fuck anything and anyone that's willing. '

Well, this whore has had enough.

You start to pull at my jeans.

My fly is opened and you start to pull them down my hips.

I don't know where the strength came from. 'Must be the alcohol.' I push you away.

Never expecting that, I see you land hard on your ass.

There will not be an apology from me. EVER!

Anger crosses your features. I can't take this any more.

'What the hell?' you yell at me.

Glazing into man I loves eyes, "No more. I'm no whore. No more." I tell you.

Tears start to fall from my eyes. I refuse to allow you to see me cry. I have had far too much heartache caused by you. .

"LEAVE!" I tell you. Walking toward my bedroom. "Just go!" I refuse to look back. I just want to crawl in my bed and have a good cry. Maybe then, I'll be all dried up and I could get on my life.

I lay my face down on my pillow. The tears seem endless. I know my pillows a complete wash out. But, I just can't seem to stop myself. Love hurts. Love sucks. I will take my heart and bury it so far away, that no one will ever make me feel this way again.

Never.

I must of fallen asleep.

I feel refreshed, if you could believe it.

It doesn't seem to hurt as bad.

I locked up my heart and threw away the key.

Who needs a heart. Who needs a love.

Not me.

A sudden swish of my bedroom door has me jumping up.

I turn and refuse to allow my heart to break free. It's done. No more.

"Tom?" he says. His voice in a bare whisper. Concern evident in the tone.

"Commander."

I don't need him.

I don't want him.

R/R.. I gotta know, should I junk this part and redo? continue.?


	4. Chapter 4

I want to thank you all for the reviews. I seem to have a little difficulty in putting what is in my head, on paper. I hope you enjoy this part, and thank you again for the reviews.

A/N: Honeymoon Suite Lyrics-from Lacuna Coil used.. I redid this chapter. Sorry, i didn't realize i screwd it up so bad.

Enjoy!

PREVIOUSLY:

I locked up my heart and threw away the key.

Who needs a heart. Who needs a love.

Not me.

A sudden swish of my bedroom door has me jumping up.

I turn and refuse to allow my heart to break free. It's done. No more.

"Tom?" he says.Your voice isa bare whisper. Concern evident in the tone.

"Commander."

I don't need him.

I don't want him.

* * *

"Commander."

My anger and hurt can not help escapingas your title comes outof my mouth.

I can see a slight change in your facial expression.

Youshow an expression of... hurt?..

Good! Now you can feel exactly what I have felt all this time.

"Tom.. Are you alright?" You have the nerve to ask me.

I can't do anything else but laugh at you.

If I didn't actually know better, I would seriously believe you were concerned.

Please...Any concern would be for you, not me

Youcould say,Dear Chakotay:I was in the dark, but now I see the light.:

I can see youstarting to walk over toward the bed. .

"STOP RIGHT THERE!" I take a deep breathe. I will not lethim to see me weak.

I am strong. You will NOT bring me down.

Ever again.

"Leave.. Commander. I want you to leave." I slid off the comfort of the bed to stand a few feet from you.

_**Get out of my life  
**_

I will stand tall.

I will stand proud.

You will not make me fall.

Showing weakness is not be allowed.

You don't listen. You just continue to narrow the gap between us, and my hand against your chest stops you from proceeding any further

"I thought I told you to leave!" My voice starts to break.

I will not give in.

I can't. Get a grip Tom!

_**You're to blame  
I'm no more you business**_

"Tom.. Can we talk?"

I roll my eyes at your audacity. I don't want to hear anything you have to say. I just want you to leave me alone. Let me be.

"First and foremost:I am Lt. Paris, to you. Secondly, do I have to call security and have you escorted out of my room. I'm sure I asked you to vacate on several occasions. You are taking your rank a little to far."

He stands there and listens bit does not act to leave.

"Listen to me first, then if you still wish, I will go. ThatI promise you, Tom.. Lt. Paris." You tell me.

_**Shut your mouth  
I don't need your affection, darling  
does it hurt?  
**_

I refuse you listen to the lies that come from your mouth.

I refuse to let you hurt me any longer.

A sudden thought floats into my head.

Now it's my turn to fuck with you, Commander.

I make sure that were are meeting eye to eye.

I place my right palm upon your left cheek.

You take your hand and pull it to your lips, leaving a light kiss in

I'm left in shock for a few moments, but I must do this.

I must be free.

You don't love me. You can't love me.

This relationship isn't healthy.

Now I finally see.

Just go. Let me be.

Tilting my head down, I move my mouth toward yours.

Just as our lips are to meet, I turn my head and let out a loud chuckle.

I pull away from you.

"What ever we had is gone. What ever might of been.. Well... Your loss."

This is your fault.

Your to blame.

Now leave me alone.

Stay away from me.

I look at the hurt look on your face. For a mere second I want to throw myself in your arms and tell you I'm sorry. But, that would defeat the purpose. I'm no whore. Not yours.. Not anyone's. .

"Why?" you ask me. You look like this actually might of hurt you somehow.

I can't stop myself as another bitter laugh comes from deep in my throat.

"Oh, poor baby. Gotta find himself a new whore to break in. Oh, well have fun. Heard Seven's all up for it."

"Tom..." you start to say, but I cut you off.

"Shut your mouth. I don't need to hear another word from you. Now, you will leave, or I will have Tuvok escort you out." I can't stop the anger from voicing out.

Istare you down with hopefully cold blue eyes. I pray my eyes are not my betrayaler. I can not back down. I have to let him see that I am serious. What ever we had, or possibility could have.. Is no more.

You played this little game, and lost.

Too bad you don't feel the pain in you heart, like I do.

You continue to stare at me. I don't really understand why.

So I hit my com badge.

Then you turn and leave.

Falling backwards on my bed, I start laughing.

Then the tears fall.

___**Close your eyes  
don't you feel the rejection, baby?  
Does it hurt?  
Come here now  
I've got something to tell you, honey...  
I don't want you back  
**_

_**Won't you take me back  
won't you take me back with you  
won't you take me back  
won't you wrap me with your love again...? **_

I really don't know. ? R/R sucks or semi-okay?


	5. 2 endings for you to decide:

_A/N: This is gonna be a bit different. See mycomputer crashed and just wanted to finish my stories so I could start a new. This one will have two endings. You decide on which one you like. Decided to make it more for your tastes. Enjoy. Sorry it's un'betad and really obvious.._

_Thank everyone for the reviews._

**Warnings: Angst. Lots of angst. Het/Slash.  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with Voyager. I just decided to take the characters off the shelves, dust  
them off and give them one hell of a ride No harm intended toward: writers, actors, editors, yadda..yadda. yadda.  
You get the drift. No harm meant toward Lacuna coil for use of their lyrics. I just love their music.  
Enough said**!

Previously:  
Tom..." you start to say, but I cut you off.

"Shut your mouth. I don't need to hear another word from you. Now, you will leave, or I will have Tuvok escort you out." I can't stop the anger from voicing out.

I stare you down with hopefully cold blue eyes. I pray my eyes are not my betrayer. I can not back down. I have to let him see that I am serious. What ever we had, or possibility could have.. Is no more.

You played this little game, and lost.

Too bad you don't feel the pain in you heart, like I do.

You continue to stare at me. I don't really understand why.

So I hit my com badge.

Then you turn and leave.

Falling backwards on my bed, I start laughing.

Then the tears fall.

**ENDING: NUMBER** 1

I am such a coward.  
Hiding behind the rest of the crew.  
I really tried to avoid coming here today, but the Captain had other plans.  
She made it an order.  
I had offered to work in sickbay!  
Sickbay! She should of realized something was up and dropped it on the spot.  
But she refused.. Stating that due to my rank I should be here to show my respect.  
Respect!  
I don't own him any respect of any sorts.  
Doesn't she realize what this is doing to me?  
Doesn't she realize how badly this man has hurt me?  
Nor how much I love him!  
Oh, I forget myself. Of course not. She never knew, due to the fact that I was nothing more then a simple fuck buddy.  
I refuse to let the tears fall now. Refuse to let everyone in this room see what that bastard has brought me to.  
It's been two months since I put my foot down in my quarters.  
Since that time he has barely spoken to me unless in the on the bridge. He spends most of his time with her.  
Bastard!  
And now after such that short amount of time I am standing here watching this.  
I truly meant nothing to him.  
Because if I did, he would not be doing this.

"I now pronounce you man and wife." The Captain states.  
"You may now kiss the bride."  
I can not watch the man I love kiss his new bride, so I turn and exit the room.  
Trying to keep myself in check, I make it to my quarters and collapse on my bed.  
All my dreams were nothing more then fiction  
Drawn into my delusional mind  
Desire and heart took over to cause the immortal sin  
My head missing every warning sign  
I lay me down and try to sleep  
Thinking of what might of once been  
I Pray that the nightmares decide to keep  
So that I can finally mend  
But I truly see the truth in front of my eyes  
Too up front of my face  
No one can ever deny  
I finally had a small taste of love. Just a taste.  
As I fall apart into my pillow and give into the cries.  
I tell myself, over and over again.  
My heaven was nothing more then lies.

**This one is ending number 2: A bit chipper:**

"As if, Harry. I'm sorry but I highly doubt you will be able to beat me far and square."  
I smile as I sink the eight ball in the called left corner.  
Harry shakes his head, and I laugh at him.  
"See you later, Tom. B'Elenna gonna kill me. I'm late for dinner." Iwaive my goodbye as he heads toward the door out of Sandrines.  
I'm in the mood for another game, but the few people in here tonight seem otherwise occupied. All well, play a gamer myself: Gotta keep in pratice..  
As I'm setting up the balls I hear someone foot steps behind me.  
A hand on my shoulder has me jumping back.

I turn around to see Chakotay.

"Sorry, Commander."  
He looks so lost. The lines under his eyes have grown darker with each passing day. It's been 6 weeks since that night in my room. The night I finally grew a pair and tossed him out on his ass.  
Have I regretted it since? Yes.  
Three weeks ago after the literal begging on his part, I sat down with him and we talked. Talked about what ever we had. How much I loved him, and how much he hurt me.  
Could I forgive him? No. That's what I told him. Was it the truth? I don't know. My mind and heart are at constant war with one another. He wasn't being fair to me, nor to Seven. He informed me that he told Seven everything and the two had parted as friends. He realized just what he lost with me and wanted to make amends. He asked for forgiveness and I told him I didn't know if I could. At least, not yet.  
He told me he wished he handled things better, and he would regret what he did for the rest of his life. Then he left the room.  
"It's Chakotay, Tom." He said with a sad smile on his face. "And don't apologize. I didn't realize I scared you."  
we just stare a bit uncomfortly at each other. I can see how much he hurts just by looking into his eyes. He really is sorry for the way he treated me. Well, I should just break the ice up a bit here.

Giving Chakotay my winning smile.  
"So... You up to losing some rations?"  
In return he smiles back..  
"Who says I'm the one gonna lose them!"

That night he won the game. Not saying I allowed him too. My thoughts might have been elsewhere at the time. Then afterwards we talked some more and ...Well, maybe forgiveness isn't that hard of a thing to learn.


End file.
